On my way

This is just a quick post to say that I think I am finally starting to feel better.  For real this time.  I am starting to believe that I am at the top of the mountain, ready to descend ~ that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (yay metaphors!).  So many times (too many to count, really) in the past few years I have felt better ~ less self-conscious, less anxious, more in control ~ but have never been at peace.  I always had a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that the fight wasn’t over, that I was just waiting to crash again, to be suddenly ripped out of my seat, whirled around and dropped back at the beginning of the same long journey.  And this is always what happened.  I didn’t have the tools to move forward, I was simply willing myself to get better.  I didn’t even know where to begin or how to get help; I just wanted everything that was bad in my life to go away.

This time is different.  There haven’t been crazy ups followed by paralyzing crashes.  There have been ups and downs, of course, but there has been an overarching increase my well-being.  I have seen things slowly but surely get better in these past few months.  I have taken my treatment one step at a time and have been living my life one day at a time, which I believe has made all the difference.  Instead of expecting a sudden miracle, I have allowed everything to slowly fall into place.  I am taking time every single day to gauge my mood, my compulsions, my self-image.  I am constantly working on my identity and my life, steering myself in the right direction and allowing my past to move me forward instead of hold me back.

I don’t have the same sense of dread that I used to have.  I don’t feel like I am going to crash.  If I have a bad day, I honestly believe that I can come back from it (and have had to many times before).  I am at a place where I never ever thought I would be ~ steadily walking the road to recovery.  I had so many days where I would lay in bed and wonder if my life would ever get better, or if I was doomed to exist as a lump for eternity.  Would I ever become a real person?  Would I ever feel confident or pretty?  Would I be able to actually live my life?

I’m definitely on my way, and it feels amazing.  I can’t believe I’m here, but I’m so very glad that I am.

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