It's here!

It's heeeeeeeeere!

I'm so excited to share my new site with you all!

There are still a few things that I am working on and will probably be changing in the next little while (for example, I'm hoping to somehow get a custom banner done), but for now I would love for you to head on over and check it out!

Unfortunately, I had a few problems transferring comments and RSS feeds over :(  I'm not very tech savvy with that sort of thing.  So if you have been commenting here, I hope you will continue to do so at my new site!  Also, if you were a subscriber here, please subscribe over there as well!  I will no longer be updating this blog (sad, but it is time to move onwards and, hopefully, upwards!)

Here it is:

I hope you all love it!  Let me know what you think!

A change is coming!

Hi All,

I've been working on getting my new web page up and running for you all to enjoy :)  It's taking all of my extra time so I haven't really been posting lately.  I promise that's going to change very, very soon!

I can't wait to show you all the new site!




My brother sent me this one:

"Each thing in its way, when true to its own character, is equally 
beautiful." -- Ed Abbey

Time to make some new plans

I bought a new planner today.  I always buy one around this time of year since I still use an academic planner instead of a yearly one.

In looking back at all my appointments over the last year, I realize what I have accomplished in such a short time.  It’s easy to get caught up in the future and to think about everything we want to improve in our lives, but it’s also important to give ourselves credit for how hard we work and how far we have come.

In September of 2010, I wasn’t sure if I was moving out of Manhattan or not.  I was torn.  My health was plummeting, my financial situation was dismal and I was not living in a very good neighborhood.  I was unhappy, but didn’t want to give up.  I wanted to pull through, find a good job, a better apartment and a therapist who understood me.  The month was filled with job interviews and apartment viewings.  I really wanted to make it work.

By the end of the month, I knew I was going to be moving home.  I wrote notes reminding myself to return belongings to my friends, to give forwarding addresses to my jobs and to buy things like packing tape and paint.  In October 2010, I moved back in with my dad.

October was a month of relaxation and organization.  It was also my birthday month!  I wanted to start my new year with a clean room, and I de-cluttered my physical space so that I could later focus on de-cluttering my mind.  I didn’t write very much in my planner.

In November of 2010 I had my first meeting with a body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) specialist.  This is when my recovery process truly began and I started taking medication that I had never taken before.  On Thanksgiving Day, my entire family came to my house for dinner.  I met my brother’s girlfriend for the first time.  I remember having a giant scratch on my face and feeling pretty uncomfortable, though I mostly enjoyed myself.

December 2010 and January 2011 were filled mostly with doctor’s appointments and a few meetings with a small company I held an internship with at the time. It was unpaid, but I was not nearly healthy enough to be holding a full time job.  My hope was that I could turn the internship into a paid position once I started feeling well enough to work. 

New Years Eve I spent at home alone.  It was partly because I didn’t feel confident enough to go out, and partly because I wanted to be left alone.  Either way, I didn’t feel up for being social.  I rang in the New Year by myself and was just fine with it.

In March 2011 I started my current retail job and celebrated one year of being a vegetarian.  I continued my internship, though I began to debate leaving.  I also continued my appointments with the BDD specialists.

In April 2011 I started this blog!  I wanted a place where I could gather my thoughts surrounding life, BDD, self-esteem and basically anything that I felt was important.  I wanted to start a community where people felt that they could discuss their issues and get support.  I wanted others to know that they are not alone.  I also stopped working at my internship in order to focus on things that really mattered to me, which included my health, my family and my job.  I didn’t feel that the internship was leading to a paid position, nor was I learning anything valuable.  I redirected a lot of my energy towards my blog.

In May I finally started CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy).  My dad and I spent a weekend wandering around Portsmouth, NH.  We ate delicious food, window-shopped and did a lot of walking.  I bought a beautiful pair of teal feather earrings that remind me of Aria from “Pretty Little Liars”.

Father’s Day was in June!  I gave my dad chocolate and cards and my brother was home for the weekend.  I interviewed for a second retail job since I needed to raise my income and had started to feel a little more secure in my appearance.  I always knew that once I started feeling better I would need to get a second job to pay my bills and get out of debt.  I hope to get a full time job (Performing? Blogging? Speaking? Hopefully all of the above) once I am fully recovered.

In July the final Harry Potter movie came out!  One of my best friends from high school and I went to the midnight showing armed with coffee and candy.  I cried my eyes out and laughed hysterically (not at the same time).  I can’t wait for the full boxed set to come out – it will definitely be on my Christmas list!  I also started my second retail job (I am still in training) and began working on recovery alone since my therapist is currently out of the country.  Though I felt like I took a couple of small steps back in my healing this month, I bounced back and have continued to push forward.

I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs this past year, and time has flown by so quickly.  It’s interesting to look back and remember everything that happened and think of where I was physically and mentally in my life when I was writing events down in my planner.

I hope to be in an even better place at this time next year.  I want to fill my new planner up with fond memories and add some more fun tasks to my list.

Do you get as excited about new office supplies as I do?  What objects in your life bring up memories of specific events?

Sleepy Time Music

Up late with me?

Listen to this on repeat and it will definitely soothe you to sleep :)  Love her voice.

Adele, "Make You Feel My Love"

Recovery Dream

I believe our dreams are reflections of our waking lives and that they have significant meaning, even if they don’t seem to make much sense at first. 

Last night I had an extremely vivid dream.  When I woke up, I immediately knew it was a recovery dream, signifying that I am successfully pushing my way past my disorder.  Just to make sure, I wrote down all of the symbols I could remember and looked them up online.  It’s good stuff, people!

The Dream

I was moving out of my apartment, which I was sharing with one of my best friends from high school.  We were packing up our belongings, cleaning the floors and painting the walls back to their original color.  Typical moving stuff.

While she was busy elsewhere in the apartment, I tried to take a giant mirror off the wall by myself in order to pack it.  This mirror was HUGE; it took up almost the entire wall.  It ended up being too heavy and awkward for me to carry, and it slipped out of my hands and onto the floor, shattering into thousands of tiny pieces.

My roommate began helping me sweep up the pieces, but never got to finish because she needed to leave.  I was left alone in the apartment with tons of chores left to do and not enough time to do them. 

I suddenly felt the urge to leave, to run away.  I’m not sure what I was running from or why, I just knew that I needed to get out of there and that packing didn’t matter anymore.  A large group of strangers met me outside and we formed a team.  Our team name was “Orange” to distinguish us from the multiple other teams of runaways that had formed at the same time.  Our team leader was my real-life therapist.

Though the path we followed was clearly marked, we were the only team to choose this particular path.  Sometimes the trail was blocked by tall grass or was a little more perilous due to steep drops and hills, but it was possible to traverse.

At one point in our journey, we saw a long string of ambulances in the distance, racing ahead with their sirens blaring.  I knew that they carried injured people, but I had no way of knowing if I would recognize anyone inside.  I just had this feeling that I needed to escape whatever had befallen those individuals.

And then I woke up.

Symbols (looked up here)

Moving ~To dream that you are moving away signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation; you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.

Packing ~ 
To dream that you are packing signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.

Shattered Mirror - To break a mirror in your dream suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit.  To see a cracked or broken mirror in your dream represents a poor or distorted self-image. Alternatively, it means that you have put an end to your old habits and ways.

Orange (fruit) ~ signifies health and prosperity.  To dream that you are eating oranges indicate satisfaction with your life and where you are. You are in a good place.

Trail ~
To dream that you are on a trail signifies your progress in life.

Path ~ To walk down an open path in your dream signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It also symbolizes your progress.
Partially blocked trail/path ~ To see a blocked or windy path in your dream, denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in your personal and/or business life.
Ambulance ~ To see an ambulance full of wounded passengers signifies a fear of letting go your old self and making space for the new you.

What does it mean?

Packing and cleaning indicates my willingness to move on from my past and look forward to new experiences.

In the process of packing (moving on), I shatter a mirror, which indicates the shattering of my body image distortion and obsession with my appearance.

I abandon packing in order to join a group of strangers and follow a path in the woods.  I believe this has to do with me leaving my burdens behind and choosing recovery.  

Though the path is sometimes hard (perilous and covered in weeds), we follow the path in order to avoid a dark fate (in the dream, this is symbolized by ambulances).

Right on, subconscious.

What do you think?  Have you had any meaningful recovery dreams lately?

~ As always, there is a new "Happiness" today! Check it out :)