Tonight was the first night of rehearsal of a musical being put on by a local theater. It’s a theater I have performed for in the past, and one where I made some great friends. I had an absolute blast performing with them, and had been asked back to audition again this summer. As you can probably guess, my response was “no thanks”. It’s true that I have been saying “no” to a lot of things lately, but it’s all relative. I have a lot of different interests, and lots of people I want to spend time with. I’m also trying to work as much as I can to pay off debt, get my blog rolling, and learn guitar. Of course, this is on top of repairing my low self-image and getting healthy. It’s a lot. I don’t just want to do these things, I want to do them well ~ they are important to me, and I enjoy them (yes, even working).
I eventually want to be healthy enough to go back to performing, but right now is not that time. As much as I love being on stage in front of a mic, there are so many things surrounding the performing arts that are hard for me. It took me a while to recognize this and even longer to openly admit it. Rehearsal rooms with mirrored walls, dressing rooms, being measured for costumes, being evaluated based on your “look” and your body type, being labeled by strangers as a certain personality or character type because of that look, wearing heavy makeup and sometimes revealing clothing ~ all of these things can act as triggers, and usually they are all going on at once. I have to believe that I can get to the point where these things will not bother me and I will actually enjoy them.
I want to sing and I miss performing, but I have to think of my health and my silly little brain first. It would not be smart of me to run onto a stage right now in the middle of recovery. Until I am well, I can practice on the side, sing in my shower and hone my skills so that when I am better, I can reward myself with auditions and hopefully some open mics and such. It was a hard thing to say “no” to, but I feel more in control having done so. I know that I am really thinking of what I need and not just what I want.