In looking back at all my appointments over the last year, I realize what I have accomplished in such a short time. It’s easy to get caught up in the future and to think about everything we want to improve in our lives, but it’s also important to give ourselves credit for how hard we work and how far we have come.
In September of 2010, I wasn’t sure if I was moving out of Manhattan or not. I was torn. My health was plummeting, my financial situation was dismal and I was not living in a very good neighborhood. I was unhappy, but didn’t want to give up. I wanted to pull through, find a good job, a better apartment and a therapist who understood me. The month was filled with job interviews and apartment viewings. I really wanted to make it work.
By the end of the month, I knew I was going to be moving home. I wrote notes reminding myself to return belongings to my friends, to give forwarding addresses to my jobs and to buy things like packing tape and paint. In October 2010, I moved back in with my dad.
October was a month of relaxation and organization. It was also my birthday month! I wanted to start my new year with a clean room, and I de-cluttered my physical space so that I could later focus on de-cluttering my mind. I didn’t write very much in my planner.
In November of 2010 I had my first meeting with a body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) specialist. This is when my recovery process truly began and I started taking medication that I had never taken before. On Thanksgiving Day, my entire family came to my house for dinner. I met my brother’s girlfriend for the first time. I remember having a giant scratch on my face and feeling pretty uncomfortable, though I mostly enjoyed myself.
December 2010 and January 2011 were filled mostly with doctor’s appointments and a few meetings with a small company I held an internship with at the time. It was unpaid, but I was not nearly healthy enough to be holding a full time job. My hope was that I could turn the internship into a paid position once I started feeling well enough to work.
New Years Eve I spent at home alone. It was partly because I didn’t feel confident enough to go out, and partly because I wanted to be left alone. Either way, I didn’t feel up for being social. I rang in the New Year by myself and was just fine with it.
In March 2011 I started my current retail job and celebrated one year of being a vegetarian. I continued my internship, though I began to debate leaving. I also continued my appointments with the BDD specialists.
In April 2011 I started this blog! I wanted a place where I could gather my thoughts surrounding life, BDD, self-esteem and basically anything that I felt was important. I wanted to start a community where people felt that they could discuss their issues and get support. I wanted others to know that they are not alone. I also stopped working at my internship in order to focus on things that really mattered to me, which included my health, my family and my job. I didn’t feel that the internship was leading to a paid position, nor was I learning anything valuable. I redirected a lot of my energy towards my blog.
In May I finally started CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). My dad and I spent a weekend wandering around Portsmouth, NH. We ate delicious food, window-shopped and did a lot of walking. I bought a beautiful pair of teal feather earrings that remind me of Aria from “Pretty Little Liars”.
Father’s Day was in June! I gave my dad chocolate and cards and my brother was home for the weekend. I interviewed for a second retail job since I needed to raise my income and had started to feel a little more secure in my appearance. I always knew that once I started feeling better I would need to get a second job to pay my bills and get out of debt. I hope to get a full time job (Performing? Blogging? Speaking? Hopefully all of the above) once I am fully recovered.
In July the final Harry Potter movie came out! One of my best friends from high school and I went to the midnight showing armed with coffee and candy. I cried my eyes out and laughed hysterically (not at the same time). I can’t wait for the full boxed set to come out – it will definitely be on my Christmas list! I also started my second retail job (I am still in training) and began working on recovery alone since my therapist is currently out of the country. Though I felt like I took a couple of small steps back in my healing this month, I bounced back and have continued to push forward.
I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs this past year, and time has flown by so quickly. It’s interesting to look back and remember everything that happened and think of where I was physically and mentally in my life when I was writing events down in my planner.
I hope to be in an even better place at this time next year. I want to fill my new planner up with fond memories and add some more fun tasks to my list.
Do you get as excited about new office supplies as I do? What objects in your life bring up memories of specific events?