Be Happy

"When I was 5 years old, my mother told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment.

I told them they didn't understand life."

— John Lennon

When do the lessons we learned as little kids become irrelevant?

~ When did we forget to use our manners?

Little kids are taught to be respectful, to “treat others the way you want to be treated” and to be polite, which includes saying “please” and “thank you”.

I work at a children’s store part-time, and I constantly hear parents ask their kids “now, what do you say to the nice girl?” after I’ve helped them with something.  They always look at me, smile and say “thank you”.  Manners are some of the first things we teach our children, and I’ve often heard parents say that they are either proud of or embarrassed by their kids due to the presence or absence of good manners.

So why is it that I am constantly disrespected by adults in the same work environment?  Why do adult customers demand things of me, treat me like dirt and yell when they can’t have their way?  Why do they snatch things out of my hands and walk away without so much as a smile or a nod of gratitude.  Heck, I would take a smirk from some of these people, just to know that they are aware of my existence.

 

At what age do “please” and “thank you” become replaced by demands and entitlement?  Why do we require that children show good manners (even if it takes a while for them to learn), but we don’t expect the same from adults?  I can’t imagine the reaction I would get from adults if I were to respond with “now what do you say?” when they grabbed an item out of my hands.

~ When do we stop allowing ourselves to express emotion?

When children are upset, you are most definitely going to hear about it.  Loud and clear.  There will be tears and there will be tantrums.  When children are happy, there is no limit to the giggling, jumping up and down, excited shrieking and hugging.  Kids wear their hearts right on their sleeves.  You will almost always know how they are feeling, and they aren’t scared to tell you about it if you’re unsure.

Adults, on the other hand, can be feeling one thing, yet saying another.  Adults don’t often want others to know what they are thinking and go to great lengths to hide their emotions.

Many adults I have encountered say that they don’t like giving or receiving hugs, that they don’t cry because crying equals weakness and that they don’t trust anyone because everyone is out to manipulate them.

Now, I don’t think tantrums are necessarily appropriate (or very fun, whether from a child or an adult), but I do believe it is important to show your emotions.  Being sad or vulnerable is not weakness, it is human.  Getting excited does not mean that you are immature or simple, but rather that you are able to fully appreciate things with your entire being.  You can live in the moment.  You enjoy your life.     

Showing emotion also creates connections with others who are feeling the same things or who can help you overcome difficult obstacles.  Sharing joy is how friendships are created.  I am proud of the relationships I have made because I have chosen to trust, to care deeply, to hug freely and to let others in during my happiest and saddest times.

~ When did we stop wanting to learn?

Kids ask so many questions it’s impossible to answer all of them.  They are constantly learning new things and questioning the universe.  They want to know why things are the way they are and often don’t accept the first answer they receive.  They are curious.  They want to form their own opinions and truly want to understand what’s happening around them. 

Unfortunately, many adults are not this way.  Many of us are so stuck in our own thoughts and opinions that we don’t often consider the other side of things.  We brush off someone else’s ideas and judge those who are not like us.  We don’t care to learn anything new; we already know everything we need to get by.

Often, adults don’t ask questions because they are scared of looking stupid.

~ When did we stop believing that life is supposed to be enjoyable?

If there is one thing that kids excel at, it’s playing. In fact, I’m pretty sure playing was my only responsibility when I was younger.  My parents were constantly shuffling us out of the house to build snowmen, swing on the swings, play baseball or soccer and ride our bikes around the neighborhood.  Even when we started school, we learned to color, to play games and sports and to read chapter books.  I would get up every day before my parents and be ready to go!  I was so excited that I never wanted to sleep.  Kids are taught that there should be balance between work and play, and that life should be enjoyable.

At some point, we become adults and suddenly have to “grow up”, which apparently means no longer being allowed to have any fun.  Everything becomes a chore, even things like running, which used to be done for sheer enjoyment.  Work is a necessary evil, as we have bills to pay and mouths to feed.  We no longer believe in our dreams, or that we are meant to do what we want and be whoever we choose.  In adulthood, life tends to drag on, punctuated by moments of excitement and celebratory events, but always returning to the monotony of everyday life.

What happened to us?

Aren’t we those same little kids, just with a few more years of experience?  Can’t we remember what it means to have fun, to make new friends, to dream, to live? 

I refuse to believe that there is a stark divide between adulthood and childhood.  We are living one, continuous life.  We bring all the experiences of our past into our future.  Our past, our childhood, makes us who we are today. 

Of all the people I have met in my life, those who are the happiest are the ones who have allowed their childhood to follow them into adulthood.  Those who continue to dream.  Those who believe that work is meant to be enjoyed.  Those who laugh, cry, hug and dance whenever the mood strikes them.

Just because we reach a certain age or pass a specific milestone does not mean that we forget about the lessons we have learned from our youth.  Rather, these times are when it is most important to remember where we have come from and how we can continue to be those little kids who are able to get up every day and enjoy their lives.

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This is absolutely the way I feel about my own dad, who has been my #1 champion throughout my recovery.  I don't know if I could do this without his support. <3

From postsecret.com

I will learn to assert my independence

Here’s the thing about having a body image disorder ~ it takes you a lot longer to figure out who you are and just how much you are capable of.  I spent my childhood under the thumb of my parents ~ I was a perfect child.  I did well in school, sports and music.  I never smoked, did drugs, drank, snuck out of the house or dated anyone my parents disapproved of.  I was always in before curfew, finished my homework on time and ate dinner with my family every night.  I knew the meaning of the word “no” and almost never argued.  My dad often shakes his head when talking about raising me and says, “You were just so great.  You made being a parent easy!”  (He says the same thing about my brother, but as this story is about me, we’ll ignore the fact that he was also a little rule-following machine).

Somewhere in those years I grew up, though I don’t really remember it happening.  All I remember was doing what I was told, succeeding, following rules, succeeding some more and then, just like that, I graduated from high school and was expected to be an adult.  Apparently I was supposed to have figured out who I was at some point.  No worries, though, if you don’t quite know what you want or who you are, well that’s what college is for.  That’s apparently the rule – if you don’t find yourself before 17, you must do it during your college years.  Okay, sure.  I’ll figure out who I am.

But they sent me off without any guidelines.  I didn’t have any restrictions or curfews.  My parents were not there to shelter me, to tell me what to do.  I could choose who my friends were, what classes I wanted to take, whether or not I wanted to do sports.  No one had prepared me for this.  All I knew was how to do exactly what was expected of me.  I could succeed when asked, but I had no idea how to do it on my own.

I crumbled.  My sense of inadequacy grew exponentially.  My identity and self-worth became even more wrapped up my appearance, as I had seemingly nothing else going for me.  But when your entire being is based on the way you look, and you hate the way you look, you begin to hate yourself.  I spent all of college (and beyond) hating myself without even knowing who I was.  I simply looked in the mirror, felt ashamed, horrified and enraged, and lived unquestioningly with those emotions for years.

During this time I was lucky if I could wake up on time, brush my teeth and make it to class/work, never mind “discover myself”.  My life was my body image disorder.  All of my thoughts and actions were wrapped up in it.  The friends I made, the classes I chose, the sports I participated in ~ everything was dictated by my disorder.  The disorder replaced my overprotective parents and told me what I should be doing and when.  It practically screamed out loud at me when I would disobey it.  I didn’t know enough to fight back.

I’ve spent the years since graduation trying to fight, and have finally asked for help in doing so.  I am just now starting to see things get better, though I know I have a long way to go before reaching “the end” and being healed.  Among many others, one of the things I have had to teach myself is how to assert my independence.  I went from living a sheltered, protected, structured childhood to an early adulthood crafted by mental illness.  I have never learned how to be my own person, how to make demands, how to say no, how to hold my own beliefs or stand up for what I feel is right.  At 24 years old, I feel that I have a lot to learn and a long way to go before I can claim that I am an independent adult. 

So I'll leave you with a handy list.

Things I need to learn in order to be a real live person:

·       How to say “no” – I can not and will not try to please everyone.  I have learned that by trying to make everyone else happy, you inevitably neglect yourself.  No longer.  Not that I am going to intentionally ignore everyone else and that I’m going to cut myself off from my friends, but there are certain times when I need to stop and focus on myself instead of trying to figure out what everyone else wants.

·       I don’t need a second opinion on everything – I can make decisions on my own, I don’t need to ask someone else to evaluate my decision or to be there when I make it.  I can just do it.

·       I need to stop being in constant communication with others.  I work with the public, so I am in contact all day with new people, trying to make sure they are happy and getting them to communicate their needs.  When running errands, I am surrounded by people.  When at home, I am almost always there with my dad or brother.  When I go out, obviously I am with my friends.  So why do I feel the need to chat online with my friends or check email during my only periods of “me time”?  I have become so accustomed to having people around telling me what to do, that I can’t just sit with myself and be okay.  I need to learn to be okay as a separate entity – as me and only me.  I can choose to let others in, but I don’t want to be dependent on someone always being there.

·       I need to allow myself to be.  Instead of trying to carve myself into being a certain person, I need to finally take the time I have always needed to “discover myself”.  To do what I love.  To try and fail.  To assert myself.  To try new things and meet new people.  To live my life and take from it what I wish.  To be happy.  To be me.